Although sex toys have been around for what seems like forever, there are many people (whether they’re single, casually dating, in long/short-term relationships or married) are still hesitant to bring this addition into their sexual activity! As a sex toy consultant for over 3 years, I understand why they can be intimidating, but I often find myself busting myths and providing different ways to think about introducing these “things that go buzzzzz in the night” to masturbation and/or sexual intercourse. In my 8 years of experience as a sex educator, I find that often due to societal norms surrounding sex, masturbation is considered a “dirty” sexual behavior for women, and men are more likely to think a sex toy will end up replacing them in the bedroom, leaving their partners no longer in need their services (for lack of a better word). So let’s talk about these stereotypes for a second…
Do these ideas ring true for you, your partner, and/or friends? Have these ideas or beliefs come up in conversations about sex with your partner(s), friends, etc.? Well, here’s some truth about masturbation for contribution to the dialogue next time this conversation comes up:
- 95% of men admit to masturbating, compared to 89% of women. For married individuals, the rate is 70% for both men and women.
- More than 40% of males and 22% of females admit to masturbating daily. 55% of men and 48% of women masturbate at least twice a week.
- 53% of women use vibrators when masturbating. Reportedly, 17% of men have also used vibrators for solo masturbation.
- Studies suggest masturbation may reduce the risk of prostate cancer in men. For women, cervical infections may also be reduced with frequent personal masturbation.
With all that being said — can I get a big “WOOT WOOT" for masturbation everybody?! Now, once you’ve decided to work around (or totally ignore) societal views of masturbation to normalize the behavior for yourself, the next commonly expressed obstacle becomes: "How do I get my partner to show interest in using a toy during sex?" My initial response is to ask if a discussion about interests in a little vibrating action during sex between sexual partner(s) has even happened before. For some, having this type of discussion with another person can be a very anxiety provoking experience. For others, even if using sex toys during solo masturbation isn’t a big issue for them, just the thought of using (or discussing the possibility of using) a sex toy with another person can be very intimidating.
So, if you happen to be experiencing some anxiety, the first thing I want you to do is realize you FAR from the only person who has never communicated, let alone initiated communication, about the needs and wants of a sexual partner(s). Second, you are also not weird, “bad”, or anything else negative for having curiosity about using sex toys with another person. In fact, for women specifically, 78% who use or have used a sex toy are in a relationship, and married women are twice as likely to use a vibrator!
The third thing I want you to do is take the following 4 tips into consideration before initiating the conversation about sex toys with your partner(s):
- Take some time to determine YOUR level of interest and desire to introduce sex toys in the mix, as well as how far you’re willing to explore this new addition to sexual activity (i.e., just during foreplay, only during mutual masturbation, during sexual intercourse, etc.).
- If opinions about sex toys has come up in a conversation previously between you and your sexual partner(s), reflect on the point(s) of view they expressed. If it was very judgmental and negative, it’s important to take that into consideration when deciding how to approach this discussion. **SIDENOTE: I feel this is extremely important because if the view point (for example) is that only “those” type of people (a.k.a. kinky people, freaks, sex fanatics, etc.) use sex toys, you don’t want to walk away from all of this feeling like your being looked at differently or that your secretly turning into some type of kinky wanna-be porn star.**
- Have an idea of what type of sex toy YOU are interested in exploring with your sexual partner(s) ahead of time. There are quite a few categories of vibrators, not to mention the different TYPES of sex toys to choose from in the first place. (Click here for a good overview of the difference between vibrators and dildos)
- Brainstorm some ways YOU feel the most comfortable introducing toys into your sexual activity. If you’re not comfortable with the scenario going down when this happens for what could be the first time using toys in general, or maybe just the first time with your current partner(s), then it’s going to be hard for them to be comfortable as well.
If you have a good hold on these 4 things listed above before talking with your partner(s), I can say pretty confidently that it shouldn’t end in total disaster or awkwardness for most people. However, let me be clear, it’s not a 100% guarantee since every relationship is different, as is each individual and their beliefs, values, and attitudes towards using sex toys in the bedroom.
I wish you the best of luck!! When you and your partner(s) feel ready to make that step towards purchasing a toy, head over to my website and check out the sex toy products we have to offer!! There’s quite a bit of variety to choose from! :)
As always, stay happE, stay sexy, and keep talkin’!